public diary: tuesday 18 october
Students often misuse the word ‘performativity.’ It’s one of those critical terms that undoes itself the way critical terms do, by ‘performing’ themselves badly.
He revised his Joyce lecture for the undergraduates today. It used to be on ‘Joyce’; now it is on ‘James Joyce, A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man.” More set texts as students desire clarity, exam preparation, value for money.
In the course of subtracting other things, he added the following passage. It is spoken my the priest who runs the ‘retreat’ that Stephen goes on, as one does, just at the moment of his sexual awakening.
—Last and crowning torture of all the tortures of that awful place is the eternity of hell. Eternity! O, dread and dire word. Eternity! What mind of man can understand it? And remember, it is an eternity of pain. Even though the pains of hell were not so terrible as they are, yet they would become infinite, as they are destined to last for ever. But while they are everlasting they are at the same time, as you know, intolerably intense, unbearably extensive. To bear even the sting of an insect for all eternity would be a dreadful torment. What must it be, then, to bear the manifold tortures of hell for ever? For ever! For all eternity! Not for a year or for an age but for ever. Try to imagine the awful meaning of this. You have often seen the sand on the seashore. How fine are its tiny grains! And how many of those tiny little grains go to make up the small handful which a child grasps in its play. Now imagine a mountain of that sand, a million miles high, reaching from the earth to the farthest heavens, and a million miles broad, extending to remotest space, and a million miles in thickness; and imagine such an enormous mass of countless particles of sand multiplied as often as there are leaves in the forest, drops of water in the mighty ocean, feathers on birds, scales on fish, hairs on animals, atoms in the vast expanse of the air: and imagine that at the end of every million years a little bird came to that mountain and carried away in its beak a tiny grain of that sand. How many millions upon millions of centuries would pass before that bird had carried away even a square foot of that mountain, how many eons upon eons of ages before it had carried away all? Yet at the end of that immense stretch of time not even one instant of eternity could be said to have ended. At the end of all those billions and trillions of years eternity would have scarcely begun. And if that mountain rose again after it had been all carried away, and if the bird came again and carried it all away again grain by grain, and if it so rose and sank as many times as there are stars in the sky, atoms in the air, drops of water in the sea, leaves on the trees, feathers upon birds, scales upon fish, hairs upon animals, at the end of all those innumerable risings and sinkings of that immeasurably vast mountain not one single instant of eternity could be said to have ended; even then, at the end of such a period, after that eon of time the mere thought of which makes our very brain reel dizzily, eternity would scarcely have begun.
—A holy saint (one of our own fathers I believe it was) was once vouchsafed a vision of hell. It seemed to him that he stood in the midst of a great hall, dark and silent save for the ticking of a great clock. The ticking went on unceasingly; and it seemed to this saint that the sound of the ticking was the ceaseless repetition of the words—ever, never; ever, never. Ever to be in hell, never to be in heaven; ever to be shut off from the presence of God, never to enjoy the beatific vision; ever to be eaten with flames, gnawed by vermin, goaded with burning spikes, never to be free from those pains; ever to have the conscience upbraid one, the memory enrage, the mind filled with darkness and despair, never to escape; ever to curse and revile the foul demons who gloat fiendishly over the misery of their dupes, never to behold the shining raiment of the blessed spirits; ever to cry out of the abyss of fire to God for an instant, a single instant, of respite from such awful agony, never to receive, even for an instant, God’s pardon; ever to suffer, never to enjoy; ever to be damned, never to be saved; ever, never; ever, never. O, what a dreadful punishment! An eternity of endless agony, of endless bodily and spiritual torment, without one ray of hope, without one moment of cessation, of agony limitless in intensity, of torment infinitely varied, of torture that sustains eternally that which it eternally devours, of anguish that everlastingly preys upon the spirit while it racks the flesh, an eternity, every instant of which is itself an eternity of woe. Such is the terrible punishment decreed for those who die in mortal sin by an almighty and a just God.
He too has been on a retreat or two in his time. On one of them, his last, and one that coincidentally took place just about when he was for the first time reading Joyce (which in a very real sense was a kind of harbinger of the career that he would have hopefully for good). At it, those on the retreat were presented with notes from their parents – clearly the priests had gotten in touch without his knowledge. His note was from his father, and read something like this: ‘I am proud of you that you stand up for the little guy. You are the sort of person who stands up for the little guy in a way that I am not. I am proud of you for that.’
He was confused upon reading it, and to this day, more than twenty years later he is still confused. Partly because he doesn’t believe it, believe it in any sense that it could be believed.
Not much later, or perhaps a bit before, his AP English class read portrait. When they came to the retreat sermon, the next morning they returned to school and assumed their spots in the library where they were accustomed to wait for the start of the classes. But this day, in the wake of the sermon they’d read, instead of enthusiasm for the morning sports pages, disputes about ‘fantasy sports’ leagues or other forms of gambling that they regularly engaged in, instead of what we call ‘banter’ in England (but not New Jersey), the sort of banter that 17 year old schoolboys at a boys Catholic school engage in, they were ashen faced to a one, including him, as they were worried about their immortal souls.