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clipart kingdom of god

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I used to live in Brooklyn Heights, which among other things was the location of the world HQ of the Jehovah’s Witnessnes. I think most of their space there has been converted to condos and the like. Interestingly, there seemed to have been some decision on their part that they wouldn’t do the door to door think in their own nabe, for fear of saturating and thus alienating the locals. (The closest I got was the time that the creepy JW who lived two floors above my place ran into me smoking outside on 9/11. He said to me, “Son, you look troubled….” and held our some pamphlets for me to take. I responded, erm, inappropriately…)

Anyway, their housemag The Watchtower was dropped through my slot today. Gotta tell you, the clip art illustrations are worthwhile. So worthwhile that I’ve spent some time on the website tonight, and will be visiting each of you, at your houses sometime very soon. For now, if you could just take a look at this photoessay I’ve made up and consider the alternatives before you….

THE KINGDOM OF GOD EXPLAINED VIA JEHOVAH WITNESS CLIPART

AFTER THE REARRIVAL OF OUR SAVIOR, first of all, old men will be freed from the burden of passing large amounts of urine on any single trip to the toilet. Wee little pees will be their gift from the rearrived Jesus.

Further, entertainment will be more entertaining than it had been lately. Some will be riveted by it; others rendered ecstatic; still more will be driven to clutch and grab at their mother’s bra.

Christmas ornaments will feature shockingly realistic photographic clipart…

…while picnics with grandparents will generally take place in sunny graveyards!

Parents will be relieved from the burden of guilt that they’d rather look at porn than talk with their children!

Students coming home on break from university will be accompanied by their personal set of deer!

Mime will gain a priviledged place as the predominant form of popular art it was always meant to be…

…while Jehovah busily assigns willing, pretty girls to very, very awkward young men for them to use as they will, up to and including intense bouts of handholding!

Charcoal-sketched softcore will take up the religious thematics long anticipated by some…

…while many will be shocked to learn that rental charges will be waived for the video versions of this godly skinstuff!

What is left of non-porn art will be defined by mindbending tricks with perspective, undoing and redoubling the achievements of the Renaissance. Here, flat land in the foreground intersects in a way only conceivable by the post-Armageddon mind with the flatness of the water at about a 30 degree angle. If you had been Saved (do JWs do “saving” hmmm?), this would make good optical sense! Trust me!

After the second coming, you will be able to video chat with your friends on your personal computer! I shit you not, brothers and sisters!

Lounge singers will be permitted to fulfill their ambition to become disabled children!

Suddenly, looking at XXX Magazine will be like reading the New Yorker, perfectly acceptable for the living room on chilly Sunday afternoons in winter, wife and godly children huddled all around, especially since all the images will be blurred beyond visibility…

…while public murals drawn from the Afghan translation of The Joy of Sex will be omnipresent!

But best of all, the real payoff of this whole Jehovah rearrived, will the the distribution of the peacocks, one to each family. Here, we see the bird whispering instructions regarding what to do with the parental remains once she and the horses… and Jehovah are done with them!

Written by adswithoutproducts

January 18, 2009 at 10:09 pm

3 Responses

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  1. Thought you might enjoy this.

    pollian

    January 19, 2009 at 3:29 pm

  2. Short! Thank you for this truly edifying post. :-)

    Sisyphus

    January 19, 2009 at 9:24 pm

  3. its a very funny thing you did..lets see if you can laugh it out on armageddon (hope you smiles when balls of fire hits you) chow!

    Anonymous

    May 21, 2009 at 2:08 am


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